Vulnerability is something I have struggled with my entire life. I think it is a common struggle in certain situations for many people. Being vulnerable for me sometimes feels like allowing someone to see into the deep crevices of my soul and seeing the real me. Even I have trouble facing up to the reality of the real me! Why would I want someone else to be able to see the real me? It feels scary, open to judgement and criticism. That all the hurt, pain, mistakes, weaknesses and personal growth that I have experienced over the years will be transparent, clear as day, like I am under a microscope. That by seeing these things, people will think less of me, not like me, reject me, take advantage of me or hurt me. In truth this is sometimes exactly what has happened to me, and like a tortoise I have quickly shrunk and withdrew to a safer place, ever wary to be vulnerable again. Interestingly, my first ever blog was about how I hate asking for help! In many senses this is as much about my struggle with being vulnerable as anything else because when we have to ask for help, we leave ourselves open to rejection, being refused or left feeling misunderstood. So is being vulnerable all bad? Are there any positives to giving vulnerability more of a go? In 2021 am I prepared to push my tortoise head out more frequently and be prepared to be more vulnerable? Although being vulnerable can feel risky, there are benefits which make it worthwhile. Here are some of the reasons I haven’t given up as yet!
REAL CONNECTIONS>
Real connections are made when you allow yourself to be vulnerable with other people. If these people are your kind of people, they will meet you in the middle with acceptance, compassion, understanding, encouragement, care and hopefully some humour! They will show you empathy for your human experiences and the stories you have gathered along your journey called life! The thing to remember here is that you don’t need to connect on a deep level with everyone you meet. A handful of these connections is enough. Someone told me once “don’t give yourself away!” The reality is that for some people you will just not find a connection. This is not a sign of failure or that vulnerability was a bad thing. Move right along!
OPEN MINDEDNESS>
Being vulnerable gives you opportunities to be more open minded, accepting of others and expand your view of the world. If you are not prepared to take the risk of being vulnerable, your opinions, experiences and value judgements will be limited. This is not a positive thing, because as individuals we need to be able to “test” our views of the world, seek more information, feedback and have actual real experiences. Otherwise we risk living in a world of just theories and inward perspectives which are likely not to be in touch with reality. The world around us in every regard is constantly changing, be it amongst families, our work environments, information technology and information in general.
HEALTHY>
Being vulnerable is a healthy thing to do. It allows us to share our thoughts, feelings, emotions and experiences with others. If we hold things so tightly within us, never articulating our true feelings, this can lead to extreme stress, difficulties with relationships, working with colleagues and physical health issues.
NOT A SIGN OF FAILURE>
Showing your cards to others is not a failure, it is in fact a sign of true strength and character. If you go around all buttoned up all of the time, unprepared to share things, unwilling to be honest, show that you also make mistakes, this is going to make you seem remote and inaccessible to others. This state is not sustainable or attainable for any length of time without some form of self combustion! This is my experience anyway! I have often held my emotions and thoughts tightly and close as I feared judgement and shame. This has only led to further isolation and disconnection.
LIKE EVERYTHING – IT TAKES PRACTICE (Damn!)
Being vulnerable can seem impossible when you have experienced trauma, difficult life experiences and deep hurt. The rewards are worth it and it does take practice. The key is to listen to your instincts. You don’t have to be vulnerable in every situation or with every person. Your gut will guide you. It may not always be right but it should not be ignored. Being vulnerable is not a popularity contest or numbers game. You should only be vulnerable if you feel comfortable and emotionally and physically safe.
Here’s to not giving up on vulnerability!
Wishing you all the best for 2021. Iris May 17th Feb 2021
Be Kind to Yourselves - BK2Y 