How often do you kill your own confidence? Something happens around you and you by default, allow it to deflate you and bring you down like an inflated balloon? I have allowed this to happen to me once too often, letting peoples comments, judgements, moods or own lack of confidence affect me and I question everything about myself. At the end of the day it is only ourselves that can turn a situation of killing our own confidence, into having a killer confidence! The new “vogue” is people expressing themselves, telling everyone their opinions, ensuring their voice is heard etc. There is nothing wrong with this as long as it is assertive, constructive and meaningful. It doesn’t mean it is truth or fact. Always bear that in mind. Here are some ways I am practicing to enable my killer confidence:
>Don’t constantly seek the approval and validation of everyone around you
This puts you at an immediate disadvantage when it comes to your confidence as you are looking for affirmation from others to reinforce and justify your self-confidence. You will feel like a dog on a chain or a puppet with strings, being pulled and yanked in every direction without any confidence or grounding. I have been here in this exact place and I have had to make a conscious effort to be still, create space between the actions and feedback of others and my immediate reaction to others. Some people love drama and upsetting others. It gives them some type of ego boost and power which is very sad. You don’t have to get “hooked” by these types of people or interactions. Life is too short to seek the approval of others. Believe in yourself and trust your intuition and believe in your worth. No justification or approval needed! Concern yourself with the things that matter to you. Avoid drama and gossip which is often personal, not constructive or aimed at lifting us up
>Be careful with your self-talk
How often do you head straight to victim mode thinking, letting negativity get the best of you or you say “why me?” or “this is unfair” or “I am hopeless” or “I can’t do this anymore”? Don’t believe or absorb everything you hear or read – our world is full of constant information, images, opinions, advise about what you should or shouldn’t do and messages in general. Limit your exposure to this kind of information via the band wagon. I am not saying don’t be informed, but go to reliable authoritative sources rather than social media or news sites who have an overload of stories about negativity. I limit the amount of time I spend on Facebook, I refuse to join other new social media platforms such as Instagram and the like, and I don’t watch the news regularly or listen to it on the radio. My time here on earth is limited so I will not spend it on these things which often do not uplift me at all.
>Don’t keep trying to impress the wrong people
You don’t have to be popular or friends with everyone. Sometimes there are people who don’t have your back. You don’t need to understand them or their story. Move on. Disconnect. Sometimes this is crucial to maintain your killer confidence, rather than have your confidence killed. Don’t waste any further time. Lesson #101 to myself and what a difference this made. Find your tribe or people that get you, support you, don’t try and talk you out of your hopes, dreams and build your confidence rather than kill your confidence.
>Know and accept who you are
This means the good and bad bits of who you are. Your strengths and challenges. Accept that you are not perfect. Accepting both the good and the bad makes you whole. To be strong, you must accept the darker elements of your existence. Not one person on this earth only has good bits!
>Have personal goals
This always increases my confidence, and provides a place to go back to, to motivate myself and keep steering myself in some direction. My confidence grows as I get involved in achieving and completing my goals.
>Reflect on your past and your achievements
This always boosts my confidence. It’s easy to forget the amazing things we’ve done in the past, especially when we’re distracted by things that may not be going so well at the moment.
>Self-care is important when it comes to confidence
The way we present and project ourselves to the world, wider community and to others is important. You may wish to disagree, but my personal experience shows this does matter. In fact if I am feeling confident on the outside, this translates to my inside. I do it for me, not for anyone else. It can be the simple things like doing my hair, adding some jewellery or a nice scarf to my outfit and making time for some exercise like a short walk to boost my energy. My go to is lipstick, mascara and a nice pair of shoes!
>Don’t beat yourself up because of failure or fear of failure
Reflect if this is helpful and identify things that are stopping you and creating fears, but move along. Don’t stay stuck. If you are finding yourself stuck, go to your goals and get in action. Remind yourself of your achievements, do something nice for yourself, engage in self-care. Move, that is the key.
>Take control of your own confidence
Take personal control of your self-confidence. I strongly believe that you can do things to increase your self-confidence. Be in the driver’s seat, not a passenger to life. Be an advocate for yourself. Help yourself. If you need to do some extra training to become competent in something, do it. If you need counselling to overcome personal difficulties, do it. Be an enabler for yourself, not a victim. Be aware of your self-talk. How much of it is negative? Can you challenge your thinking and “redo” it? Start again? Look at things a different way?
>Confidence from the inside not out
I have often relied on external things like material things as well as the feedback of others to build my confidence. These things are short lived and require another “hit” to maintain your confidence. The effect is short lived and not long lasting. It means your confidence relies on things outside of you and often beyond your control to be uplifted and maintained. I have learnt to be more self-reliant and work on my internal state in order to build and maintain my confidence. I no longer rely on material things and the opinions of others. My confidence is more stable and strong, not so easily shakeable. I trust my intuition much more.
>Ambition is good and requires steady confidence
Striving to achieve goals is great, but often when we are driven we are also vulnerable, to the comments made by others and our confidence is easily crushed. We live in a society and world of the “tall poppy” syndrome and unfortunately sometimes there are people who won’t uplift and support us for their own personal reasons. Often these reasons have nothing to do with you, they are just projecting some sort of insecurity they have onto you. Beware. It is important to manage your feelings of self-doubt and any internal criticism. Keep focused and on your path. Go back to your goals. Again and again.
Being confident is good – for yourself and others. If you feel good about yourself this will translate to the way you relate to others. Be kind to yourself. Be confident about yourself.
Written from my heart for yours. Iris May 23 March 2021
Be Kind to Yourselves - BK2Y 