The importance of healthy boundaries:
Personal healthy boundaries are an important way of being kind to ourselves. Personal boundaries can be emotional, physical or spiritual. Metaphorically they are like a fence, in that they protect us from certain external things, as well as protect the things that are inside of us. This is what personal boundaries are about, helping us to live a life that is healthy, positive, influenced by supportive forces, as well as living a life that is in sync with our personal values and beliefs. Life experiences help us to develop our personal boundaries and determine what is important to us, what we expect of others and ourselves. It is a two-way process. Personal boundaries are an area I have often struggled with. I think this is common amongst women because we are socially conditioned and programmed to please, accommodate and be liked.
Circumstances where they are important:
There are many circumstances in which we must exercise our awareness and expectations of our personal boundaries. You might have a natural tendency to say yes or agree to everything and want to please others, and find it difficult to say no or disagree. Even if you feel you cannot do whatever you are being asked, or have an alternative belief or opinion. Perhaps you are just too busy or it is not your responsibility, or what you are being asked to do makes you feel uncomfortable or even unsafe, or it is not aligned with your personal values or beliefs. These are all times when we need to be assertive and exercise having firm boundaries with others, in order to be kind to ourselves. Easier said than done you say! Even harder if someone is being demanding, controlling, criticizing, pushy, invasive, pleading or even smothering you with kindness!
It gets easier with practice:
Ok, it isn’t always easy, but there are ways to be assertive which are empowering and practice does mean it gets easier. It also gets easier as you start to be able to do the things you really want to do, and you stop doing the things you feel you have to or should do! You will be happier and more authentic with others and in truth they would prefer that, than you signing up for a host of things you don’t want to do or agree with in the first place. BINGO – everyone wins!
In order to maintain our self-esteem, there are often times when we must remind ourselves of our worth, who we are, what experiences we have overcome and the valuable contributions we make in places like our work, with family, friends and our community. We have to shut out the negativity of others as well as say no at times. In my life I have sometimes come across people who seem to think it is a good idea to put others down, poke holes in their weaknesses or attack their vulnerability. Instead of lifting these people up and supporting them, they grab these opportunities to somehow give themselves a power trip and ego boost. Creating personal boundaries around these types of circumstances takes courage and practice, but is certainly worth doing.
Some examples of healthy boundaries (liveboldandbloom.com):
- Your Right to Privacy. …
- The Ability to Change Your Mind. …
- Your Right to Your Own Time. …
- The Need to Handle Negative Energy. …
- The Freedom to Express Sexual Boundaries. …
- The Freedom to Express Spiritual Boundaries. …
- The Right to Remain True to Your Principles. …
- The Ability to Communicate Physical Needs.
Some situations and examples of enforcing our personal boundaries:
Example 1:
Scenario: You are being asked to do something that isn’t your responsibility.
Possible ways to reinforce your boundaries:
- “Thanks for asking me about that, I’m busy with my areas of responsibility and I will leave that with you” Or;
- “I’m happy to help with some of it, but it depends on what is involved or how long it will take as I have other priorities as well”.
Example 2:
Scenario: You have been asked to do something that you don’t feel comfortable doing, or goes against your beliefs, or makes you feel unsafe.
Possible ways to reinforce your boundaries:
- “I don’t feel comfortable with what you are asking me to do. Is there some other way this can be done or achieved?” Or;
- “What you are asking me to do is not in line with my personal beliefs or values. I will not be able to participate or complete that.”
Example 3:
Scenario: Someone criticizes you just to point out a personal weakness to undermine you.
Possible ways to reinforce your boundaries:
- “This conversation feels very personal and I don’t want to continue the discussion” Or;
- “We all have strengths and differences in various situations.”
Example 4:
Scenario: You need to meet a deadline or get something personal done and you can’t help someone else right now.
Possible ways to reinforce your boundaries:
(a) “I have something urgent I have to complete, is there someone else you can ask to help you?” Or;
(b) “I have something urgent to complete right now, can I help you later? “
Example 5:
Scenario: Someone says you look awful or they don’t like your style or what you are wearing.
Possible ways to reinforce your boundaries:
(a) “I like this style and enjoy wearing these things. It makes me happy”. Or;
(b) “Everyone’s taste is different, even yours and mine”.
Communicating assertively about your personal boundaries:
As you can see from the above examples, the aim is to not make the situation about the other person or people. You are expressing things from your point of view. You are being direct and clear. Where possible you can provide some options for negotiating, but in some cases, this is not possible. You do not need to apologise and say things like “sorry” or even “unfortunately”. You don’t even necessarily have to give a reason to justify e.g. your personal beliefs or values.
Practicing activating healthy personal boundaries:
Sometime after an event, I take time to reflect on the situation and how I might have handled it better if I feel my personal boundaries were not respected or I was not assertive. I practice what I might say in the future if I find myself in a similar situation. This is an excellent way to strengthen your skills in this area, because there is no stress at the time and you feel empowered to handle things next time. Even bouncing the idea around with a friend and getting some feedback is helpful.
Boundaries are important for self-care. It is important to show compassion and kindness to ourselves when setting healthy boundaries. The aim of boundaries is not to “bind” us or “fence” us in, but to enable us to be healthy and happy.
Be kind to yourself now.
Written from my heart for yours.
Iris May 25th November 2020
Be Kind to Yourselves - BK2Y 