This is another topic close to my heart. I have an amazing circle of sisters. By sisters I am not necessarily talking about blood sisters or family but they count too! It has taken me some time to find my tribe of sisters! We are all unique, come from different pathways, histories, life experiences, family dynamics, values and points of view. Finding the right fit and tribe is not always a clear-cut journey. I am 51 years old and I value so much having arrived at this place with my strong circle of friends.
In today’s world, meeting your tribe of people as an adult is not always as easy as it sounds. I work full time, have juggled this while studying, raising 3 children, commuting long distances to and from work, helping a husband run a business and maintaining a rural property. Where was there any time to make friends? The right friends. While our children are growing up, we are often thrown into the mix with a variety of other people associated with our children. Parents from school, the local sporting club, at the Saturday sausage sizzle you help out with. These are often fleeting interactions or even transactions! Exchanging a child or three, a few quick words or a wave. There were times I thought about giving up. It all seemed too hard in addition to my hectic life and complicated life story. Luckily there were a few people who didn’t give up on me and have held on for the ride! They know who they are….
I grew up in the country in a rather isolated set of circumstances. I left home at the age of 18 and went to live in the city. I left behind my parents, all of my friends also moved away to other parts of Australia, and I knew very few people when I landed in the big smoke. Then over a decade later I moved to a country town about an hour out of the city. Once again, I did not know anyone. I continued to commute back to the city for work. I had 3 young children and a husband who also commuted back to the city for work every day. Sometimes when we are in the throes of change, raising our young families and working, there is little time to think about ourselves. We get lost in the mix. We lose our confidence. We no longer know who we are. I had gone from being a capable successful career person, in control of my life and somehow ended up lost amidst a sea of nappies, toys, pureed food and exhaustion. The story does get better and wasn’t all bad news! Following are some tips on ways you can try and find your tribe:
>NEVER GIVE UP! Times have changed and very few of us are surrounded on a daily basis by immediate family and lifelong friends. It is important to be connected to other likeminded people. As humans we are social creatures. We need to be able to have real conversations, share experiences or problems and have a handful of people we can ask for help from time to time. I never gave up on myself. It was worthwhile!
>KNOW WHO YOU ARE – I’ve arrived at this special place at the age of 51 really knowing who I am. I am proud of who I am. I embrace who I am. Warts and all. Life has shown me a variety of experiences and while some have been particularly unpleasant, they are part of who I am. They have given me a rare insight into what being a human is – the human condition! We all do our best at any given time given the knowledge, experience and resources available to us at any point in time. I have more compassion, mostly for myself. I am kinder to myself. I think when you know who you are, are real, authentic and true – this is when you attract the right people as true friends.
>DON’T ALTER WHO YOU ARE – if this is ever required to please or fit in with others, from my experience this is a fair sign the people involved are definitely not your tribe of people! Not everyone you meet is. Again, there is that saying “you are not everyone’s cup of tea”. I hate tea! The reverse is also true – “everyone is also not your cup of tea!” or in my case coffee, gin and tonic…… You are not here to please all types of people. You will not be liked by everybody nor will you connect with or like every person you meet. I think this is a modern pressure, a modern phenomenon, to be seen as popular, well-liked by everybody across all of your realms and communities of life. The day I gave this up – I started to live more freely, authentically, honestly, more lightly, carelessly, effortlessly – I actually started to like myself more! I stopped wasting energy on the wrong people, relationships, groups, activities…… the list goes on.
>YOUR KIDS FRIENDS PARENTS – are not necessarily your friends! Don’t assume they will be your tribe. There is that saying “a friend for a reason, a friend for a season or a friend for life”. This was a very important lesson learnt for me. Often the hard way. I invested energy in the wrong places and did too many favours for people who were never going to return any to me. I think the term “try hard” comes to mind!
>JOIN SOME LOCAL GROUPS / ACTIVITIES – there isn’t some magic formula to finding your tribe. Often it is trial and error. This could be called “character building”! Joining a likeminded group or activity is a good way to test the waters. Once again if you “feel” the people are not necessarily your kind of people, for whatever reason, don’t feel you have to persist. I am not saying give up! It does take time to get to know people and for them to get to know you. It might be a simple thing like they are only available to meet during the week and you are only free on the weekend.
>LIFE IS BUSY – we all have lots of different things going on at the same time. Don’t try and overschedule yourself with activities and friends. Focus on quality. Testing out a range of activities might be a good way at the outset to meet different people and work out where you best fit. Once you have worked this out, focus your energies. Quality friendships are invaluable. They lead to real friendships with depth, understanding and real connection.
>LESS is MORE – this follows on from the above. Popularity is usually a poor indicator of having found your tribe! Your tribe means people who you have a deep connection with, they know and understand you and you also know and understand them. It is a reciprocal arrangement. Like borrowing a trusty good book from the library! They are people who encourage you, are in your corner and have your back even during difficult times, journeys and situations. This is another indicator of someone who is your tribe!
>LIFE IS FOR ENJOYING – don’t take things too seriously! Attachment to things, people and outcomes can really take the joy, pleasure and lightness out of living. Go in to situations without any expectation. Whatever happens – happens! We don’t have any control over other people, their reactions or the way they receive or perceive us to a large extent. We don’t always know their “story” or where they are coming from. The only thing we know is ourselves! Intimately…… The only thing we can shape is our attitude and behaviour. I know I am making this sound easy, and I know sometimes it is not! We all need to find and have people in our lives that we connect with and friends, especially in these times where our families are often not nearby or if they are, don’t function necessarily!
>BE KIND TO YOURSELF! – our modern lives are full to the brim and often overflowing. Take the pressure off yourself. Cut yourself some slack! Your success doesn’t depend on how well connected and liked you are. Social media may convince you otherwise, but superficiality is not the name of the game. Joining every activity, committee, community group or endeavor will surely leave you burnt and wondering. Pick and choose. Be discerning. Don’t “give yourself away”, be it your time, energy or goodness. Value yourself and enjoy life. I don’t believe you “can have it all”. Quantity does come at the expense of quality.
Written from my heart to yours – remember, be kind to yourselves.
Iris May 18th May 2020
Be Kind to Yourselves - BK2Y 
I love this Iris
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