BLOG #26 CLEAN PAIN DIRTY PAIN

I came across this term recently – “clean pain versus dirty pain”. I found it really helpful as it made me realise that some of the pain I experience is dirty pain, something I can do something about which is also really helpful! Who wants to experience pain unnecessarily hey! Clean pain is the pain that is intrinsically unavoidable as a result of being a human being. Things happen in life that are part of being born, living and dying. Things like loosing a loved one and experiencing the pain of grief and loss, or the physical and emotional pain of health issues. The frustration and worry that you feel after loosing your job due to an economic downturn or a restructure.

Dirty pain on the other hand is the suffering we create in our own lives, due to ineffective and unhelpful thoughts, choices and actions. The idea here is not to blame ourselves or put ourselves down for having dirty pain, it is about self-awareness and self-responsibility. We really don’t have much control at the end of the day over a lot of things around us, but what we can change are our thoughts, choices and actions. This may sound simple, but I gave it a try and was pleasantly surprised by the opportunities that presented themselves and the outcomes. It will take me more practice and a willingness to reflect and learn. Like most things, it won’t happen overnight.

Dirty pain can follow after clean pain as a result of trying to avoid or ignore the clean pain, but essentially ends up prolonging our pain. Avoidance might be around denying the clean pain or the choices that are necessary in order to move beyond the clean pain. We cannot avoid pain altogether. An example is a relationship breakdown. The clean pain is heartbreak and a sense of loss which is completely normal. Dirty pain is not doing anything about it and continuing to experience the frustrations and difficulties of why the relationship is not working in the long run. Like it or not, pain does give us opportunities for personal growth. This is unfortunate, but another human reality. From my experience when I have experienced pain and adversity in my life, although I did not welcome it at the time, looking back now, something good did come out of it. A new outlook, an appreciation of something or doing something I had been procrastinating about.

Other examples of dirty pain includes things like:

>Putting up with a stressful and difficult job, boss or colleagues

>Trying to be an absolute expert about everything

>Not allowing ourselves to make mistakes or ask for help

>Adhering to an impossible regime, timetable or set of responsibilities

>Trying to achieve too many goals

>Expecting unrealistic things of other people

>Working harder and harder for no return or to the detriment of our family or our own health

>Continuing to do something that is clearly not working for fear of criticism or looking like a failure and being judged

>Having road rage in the traffic or being continually crapped off about the weather

>Trying to control everything in our lives. It is impossible and the more we try to control everything around us, the more dirty the pain and prolonged it will be

>Experiencing past trauma and it deeply affecting every area of your life and not being willing to seek help so that you can live a more functional, fulfilling and happy life.

No one is saying that either clean pain or dirty pain is easy or avoidable. The idea is to avoid as much of the dirty pain as possible or lessen its impact and duration. You can always take a u-turn and start over again, or turn right instead of left and change the course of your life through different thoughts, choices and actions. Doing this by yourself may not be easy. Look to other supports you have around you or professional help if that is also required.

Written from my heart for yours.

Iris May 24th October 2022